Balancing Wellness: When Self-Care Becomes Self-Sabotage 

Often when we bring up self-care in our Building Blocks for Advocate Wellness Workshops, we are met with a variety of responses. Some are good, some are uncertain, but we always have at least one participant that seems skeptical of self-care. Which isn't totally off base. We hear about self-care all the time, we're told it will make us feel better, but sometimes self-care can go too far. So how do you know where the line is? How much is too much self-care? 

Self-care has become a buzzword in marketing campaigns that encourage you to spend more and more money in the name of relaxing and rejuvenating. There are creams, masks, exercise equipment, beauty tools, supplements, clothing and accessories, services, gym memberships, specialty foods, and the list just goes on, of things marketed as self-care. This "treat yourself" mentality can be healthy until it turns into overconsumption, or getting lost in consumerism-based wellness. 

What happens when the products that bring us joy are no longer available? Or when your self-care is based on consuming substances and it becomes an addiction or obsession rather than a treat. Becoming consumed and obsessed with anything can be unhealthy, and that includes things that bring us joy. It seems obvious, but when you choose the gym over spending time with family, friends, or doing work, and all you can think about is the next time you get to work out - it may no longer be self-care. 

During the first workshop in our Building Blocks for Advocate Wellness workshop series, we discuss boundaries. There are four types of psychological boundaries: Soft, Rigid, Spongy, and Flexible. Ideally, we want to practice flexible boundaries because they are controlled, intentional, and we choose what they are. Boundless self-care advice relies on "routines" or consistency, which are healthy things to incorporate in your life until they become rigid and restrictive. When you force yourself to wake up at 5 AM to go to the gym even though you're overworked or exhausted, when you *always* dismiss a friend or coworkers' feelings in the name of "protecting your peace", or when you prioritize aesthetic over function or how it makes you feel -- you are setting rigid boundaries based on a mindset that isn't serving you. 

We aren't always going to be in a good mood, and not all conversations will be happy or pleasant. Being selfish in the name of self-care will only deteriorate your relationships with friends, family and coworkers. Toxic positivity is poison to your self-care. Toxic Positivity occurs when encouraging statements are expected to minimize or eliminate painful emotions, creating pressure to be unrealistically optimistic without considering the circumstances of the situation. Numerous studies have shown that the more we push away negativity the harder it will be to deal with it when we can no longer ignore it. If you find yourself unable to compromise to help your friends, unable to empathize with them, or you only view relationships as transactional, you might need to reconsider the role of friendship in your life. 

Self-care isn't always fun, and it won't always "spark joy", it can be for sure, but if that's all it is you might be neglecting the harder self-care tasks. To properly care for ourselves we need to go to the dentist, see doctors, talk to therapists, pay our bills, clean our houses, do laundry, save/not spend too much money, and all the other things we tend to procrastinate to complete. When we ignore the boring side of taking care of ourselves, our mental and physical health can decline. Unfortunately, the reality is that life can't always be a "treat yourself" party. 

On the other end of the spectrum, self-care doesn't always need to be productive. Especially amongst type A personalities, there is a drive to always improve yourself, to learn a new language, to get stronger, to be more productive. However, sometimes you need to learn to listen to your body, and rest when you need it. It's no longer impressive to work yourself until you're sick, or to the point of exhaustion. There is no award to win for not sleeping. If anything, not resting is working against your productivity. Sleep and rest prepare your brain and body to function, repair your muscles and organs, and is vital to your health and wellbeing. Take a break, close your eyes for 15 minutes, and I promise the world will still be there for you when you're ready. 

Affirmations and vision boards are great tools to help us accomplish what we want to in life, but we also need to do the work to achieve those goals. We can't rely on a skin care routine to solve our mental health issues. "Good Vibes Only" will only bring us more unhappiness and loneliness in the end. We need flexibility in our self-care habits to make space for our relationships, to give us control over what we will and won't do, and to choose what works for us personally. 

Self-care is personal, and there isn't one right way to do it. It's balance, give and take, and it's not always easy. Self-care shouldn't always be expensive, or exhausting, but sometimes it might not immediately give us those positive feelings we're looking for. Sometimes self-care is hard at the moment but it will be better for our future selves. 

Here is a list of self-care activities that are low-cost and easy to work into your day: 

1. Move your body outside of the gym - Walk, Hike, Clean the house, Dance in your living room, Follow a yoga video, Work in your garden 

2. Grounding activities - Meditate, Listen to your body, Breathing exercises, Nature Walk (with no headphones) 

3. Gratitudes - Journal, or Share something you're grateful for everyday 

4. Hygiene - Shower, Get enough sleep, Brush your teeth, Take your meds 

5. Make something - Cook, Draw, Craft, Build, Write 

6. Cultivate positive feelings - Watch a cute video, Listen to music you love, Read a good book, Hug someone, Call or text a friend, Pet a dog or cat 

7. Check out our free resources page for coloring pages, worksheets, poster and more!