Yes! No. Yes? The Tool You Need to Set Consistent Boundaries 

What are Boundaries? 

At RAFT, we are always discussing boundaries and boundary- setting. We define boundaries as the personal guidelines, rules, or limits you set to communicate what is reasonable, safe, and acceptable in how others treat you. Boundaries also include how you will respond when someone steps outside those limits. Boundaries are statements of what you will or won’t do, and/ or what you like and don’t like. 

You can categorize boundaries as physical, mental, or spiritual to better understand your personal boundaries, how you prefer to be treated, and ways to create safety for yourself.  

Why is it Difficult to Set Boundaries?  

You might struggle to set boundaries, both personally and professionally, for many different reasons. This is especially true in the helping professions, like SV/DV work. The profession teaches us to be helpful, accommodating, and always put the work first. Many of our personalities tend to be this way even before entering the field.  

Here are some reasons why it may be difficult to set boundaries:  

• Fear.  
• Feeling selfish to do so.   
• Unsure about your own values and priorities 
• Putting other people first.  
• Confused.  
• Cultural norms. 

Constantly having weak boundaries and putting other’s needs before our own can often leave us overwhelmed. Ignoring your own boundaries can lead to chronic stress, depression and eventually burnout. Despite these barriers, there are many benefits to implementing boundaries in your life. Fortunately, we have a few tools you can use to practice setting healthy boundaries! 

Benefits of setting boundaries:  

• To be physically safe and healthy.  
•  To be emotionally safe and at peace.  
•  Strengthen your sense of identity and self-esteem. 

Setting healthy boundaries is an essential part of self-care and strong relationships. But how we set these boundaries makes a big difference. One way to do that is the Yes! No. Yes? tool developed by William Ury.  

Yes! No. Yes? Tool: The Number One Takeaway from our Workshops  

Have you ever said yes to a request that you didn’t have the capacity for, or the expertise to complete, or the time? Have you ever done something for someone that was out of your comfort zone because you didn’t know how to say no? Then you need Yes! No. Yes? 

The Yes! No. Yes? tool is a communication method that supports a clear “no,” without confusion or confrontation. It has three parts: 

1. Yes! to your core values or the relationship 
2. No. to the specific request  
3. Yes? To an alternative or to yourself. Is there another solution?  

The First Yes! What’s Important to You?  

The first “Yes!” acknowledges your values and what’s important to you. That can be your own priorities, the importance of the relationship, or appreciation for the other person. This opening “Yes!” helps to set a positive tone and start the conversation. It can be shared with that other person, or it can be just for you. This yes is the basis of the “No.” you’ll be sharing.  

Learn more about our values discovery exercise here.  

The No. Clear and Kind

This is the “No.” to what doesn’t work for you. It should be clear, respectful, and firm. Remember that “No.” can be a complete thought and sentence.  This is a course of action you can pursue independently of the other’s agreement, or nonagreement. In this way, you take action to meet your own needs and interests and allow others to meet their own needs. You can share as much as you want about your thought process, depending on the circumstances. Stand by your decision to say “No.” and lean into your values to support you in this situation.   

The Second Yes? Offer an Alternative or Reinforce your Boundary.  

The formula ends with another “Yes?”, to something that keeps the door open to an alternative or affirms your boundaries. This ending keeps connection and positivity in the relationship. Often people respond better when the “No.” is part of a larger “Yes?” and conversation.  This is an optional “Yes?” that you are comfortable doing and is not compromising the values you said “Yes?” to initially. This is an alternative that should still affirm and respect your boundaries.  

An Example of the Tool in Action:  

Let’s try out the tool with a real-life example. The scenario below is a “low risk” situation where you can try out the Yes! No. Yes? tool.  

Imagine you are asked by a colleague to bring your homemade pie for a work party tomorrow. This coworker asked you at the last-minute, and you don’t have the time and resources to make your famous pie by tomorrow. You value your time with your family and recharging after work.   

Your Yes! You are choosing your value of family and relaxation after work. These are the things you are saying “Yes!” to in this decision.  

Your No. No, you cannot make your pie for the event tomorrow. In this part, you can explain your no, or this itself is a complete sentence.  

Your Yes?  If it still falls within your capacity and boundaries, you can offer to pick up something from the store to bring to the party.  

A Tool You Can Start Using Today 

The more consistently you use the “Yes! No. Yes?” formula, the clearer your boundaries will become. Over time, this also helps others better understand and respect those boundaries. This will make future “NOs” easier to deliver because the other person understands your boundaries better.   

Practice makes perfect! Want to learn more about these tools and practice them with your colleagues? Contact our Outreach team today  to set up our RAFT Workshops for your staff and organization.